Aug 10, 2008

Umm... Would you believe 115?...120??

OK. So, it was time to renew my driver's license. Always a traumatic event for a woman.

I delved deep within my inner resources and my recent Oprah magazine to bolster my self image. You are an excellent woman. You are an excellent woman. You are......

Well. You get the picture.

Then I glammed up a little.

Some nice jewels, a pedicure, some bath n body works lotions and potions.

Jus' doin' my thang.

You are an excellent woman, you are an excellent woman . . .

. . .never know.... the camera might slip and get my feet instead of my head

. . . geez look at that big toe! when did that get so big??

...and why's the other one ghastly pale

Then I began to fill out the form and things began to get sticky.


My strong self image began fading. I had to write down my weight. Everybody knows that nobody puts down their correct weight.

If I put down my correct weight, I'd not be an excellent woman, I'd be a weak, impulse-fueled, overweight, unhealthy woman who has no self control whatsoever and the whole world would know it.

Hmmmm. Think. Think. Think. How about 115? Wouldn't that be realistic for my bone size and my body shape? No. That's a tad too drastic, you can tell by looking at me I ain't no 115. 120? I used to be 120! I was 120 for many, many, many years. Good years. Think I should put 120? I know -- I can get down to 120! I'll BE 120 before the next cop pulls me over! That's it, I can do it. 120 it is.

Then I had to concentrate on what pose I should have on my photo. Everybody knows nobody looks good on their driver's license. Why is that? Because nobody prepares, that's why. So I did a few practice poses in my car in the DMV parking lot. I had to be sure to get my jewels in the photo.

After several possible poses, I walked confidently into the DMV, signed my name with a flourish, furtively wrote 120, scratched it out, wrote 130 on my weight block and forked over the twelve (!!!!!) bucks for my new lease on life. I think it's valid for 8 or maybe 10 years or something. That's great, because I can't put myself through that kind of stress again for a long time. And I need time to get back down to 120 before I face that clown in the DMV again.

Now. That's off my back. I can get on with my life.


Anonymous said...

at least your trip to the DMV was not right after a visit to the dentist, where he novacained one side of my face-----try looking OK with one side of your face numb----try looking like you didn't just have a stroke---try not having drool coming out of that side of your mouth---and I told the clerk I wanted him to use the younger-thinner camera lens and he didn't----sigh

Poof said...

Bwaaaaha-ha-ha-ha!! I'd love to see that photo. Can't believe you went while numb! I KNEW I wasn't the only one who struggles in this area.

Anonymous said...

Shoot I'd be PROUD to put down 120 lbs. I haven't weighed that since the 3rd grade.

Anonymous said...

Man, it's only 8 bucks to get your license renewed in Wagener?? I got my notice that it's time to renew mine & it's going to cost me $40!!! So not fair!! But I really like the idea of posing before the picture--I'll have to remember that! :)

Anonymous said...

After all that prep-time reading ... and you don't share the actual photo with your loyal readers?? What gives??? I demand a refund!!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes i will pretend to lose my license just so I can get my picure taken again.