The Surgeon Dug Deep and Stirred Up More than Cataracts

The bright hot white light in my eye was borderline painful, there was no color kaleidoscope from the refraction of instruments or scrubs. This was cold and harsh, bright, dramatic and imposing, hostile.

I felt no euphoric relief from the IV, just a sense of impatience running through my veins .

"You're doing great." The surgeon would try to speak soothingly. He would quietly request an instrument or firmly issue a directive focused solely on the eye before him, the eye that would sob hysterically in the motherless recovery room

The nurse responds to the anesthesiologist as they discuss Christmas plans.

I cannot possibly hold my eye open with that bright beam overhead. I'm sure I'm not doing great, just great.

The nurse pushes my cot through the halls to the recovery room. I want to scream as we pass the prep rooms just to scare the patients about to endure this. I think it would be funny. I resist the urge but grin nonetheless.

The tears explode fast in recovery when my body reconciles debilitation and my motherless status.

Mom. I want my mom.

I whisper it and gasp with the shock of the reality that I won't ever see my mom again in Earthly form.

The nurse runs to my side anxious, confused

"What's going on?" 

"My mother died recently," I tried to say, "And she was always here for me." The lack of her presence at my recovery takes my breath away.

The desolation of nothing but bright light followed by the desolation of a dark client empty recovery room was too much. 

I broke.

The nurse wheeled me out to my daughter's car, Marjorie, my mother's namesake. Her eyes melted with compassion, "What," she whispered. 

"I miss my mom."

She nodded, reached over and tucked my loose hair behind my ear and slid the car in gear, wiping a tear from her eye. "Let's get you a Starbucks coffee."

Mom always got me a 3 Musketeers bar, but... OK!

I slide the old timey large, dark sunglasses on over my bandages and accept that I'm the old person now.  

The Overriding Providence of God

As I enter week 2 of my physical suffering with intense pain, I ponder about the spiritual aspect. I have been seeking a reason God would allow this suffering to continue.

I certainly believe in natural consequences and inconveniences in life but I equally believe in spiritual consequences and the spiritual aspect of our everyday commonplace moments.

I found an interesting phrase in a devotional about forgiveness written by the late Dr. Jack Hayford. Coincidentally, I have been wrestling with forgiveness for 3 weeks. Forgiveness and its impact on reciprocity.

For example. I treated these people well, they did not treat me well, do I just move on or continue treating them well? I know the general Biblical answer and the specific answer for this specific situation. (I need to forgive and continue trying to be kind, even generous to them.)

So this devotional on forgiveness in my inbox caused me to pause.

And I found this interesting phrase that I had to dig into.

"... pure faith in the overriding providence of God."

And it brought me back to my current suffering in pain.

With this physically painful situation that I have done everything in my power to resolve, do I have faith in the overriding Providence of God?

Let's define those words.

Overriding. 1. More important than any other consideration. 2. Extending or moving over something especially while remaining in close contact.

Providence. 1. The protective care of God. 2. God as providing protective or spiritual care. 3. Timely preparation for future eventualities.

Interesting.

Do I have faith in the overriding providence of God regarding my physical suffering and tremendous, extended pain?

Can I rest in this moment of my life? Can I stop fighting for resolution and accept that God has my best interest at heart and that He is aware of - and possibly has planned for - this suffering?

If I accept that, what changes? 

What if the suffering is not the result of natural circumstances in an earthly environment? What if it was purposed by God? 

Can I believe that God is good?

Because I definitely do believe that. So can I believe in his overriding providence? That He is in overriding control and that I am in His protective care?

I can. I do.

That removes fear. That removes my furious, all-consuming efforts to remove the pain. That redirects my focus from self to God. Even, shall we say, from self to others.

Can I rest in this pain?

Take it a step further.... Can I serve in this pain? Can I be a blessing? Can I be faithful?

I must. And it should be natural, supernatural really, not forced or coerced. It should flow.... Rise above the suffering. 

Interesting.

5 minutes or Less to Have a Good Day

I was today-years-old when I discovered the 5-minute stay-in-your-car oil change didn't literally mean 5 minutes.

It was a busy day. Over coffee and my GPS map, I planned my route and my stops to the minute. I put on fancy but comfortable clothes to give me a good attitude. Made me feel like I meant business. 

So when the 5 minute oil change in fact took nearly 55 minutes, I was bummed. (There were two cars in front of me so should have taken 15 minutes, I'll admit that.)

The stay in your car, stay in your car, stay in your car (!!) signs all over the place kept me in, but I'll tell you I desperately wanted to get out in my serious clothes and clip clop my heels over to give them a good reprimand and let them know I mean business today. 

Instead, I took a deep breath. Crossed a few things off my to do list and rerouted my map. 

What a refreshing feeling to Let It Go. To not get all upset and huffy puffy. What a way to live, to just go with the flow and cooperate with whatever crosses your path. And even to give a smile to the guy who messed up your plans, who lied to you with the 5-minute promise. 

Big smile, "Hi Mr. Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire, you can't ruin my day, you are powerless! Have a wonderful day you nasty, wasty skunk."

I shifted gears, slid my shades down and winked at him.  B-bye! 

I think I'll make it my New Year's resolution to just have a good day. Every day.

Everlasting Life

Jesus said to her,

“I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die;  and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. 

Do you believe this?” 

John 11:25,26

Where's Pookie?

I have not blogged much in the last couple of years.

2014 Crushed me.
2015 Broke me.
2016 Changed me.
2018 Fixed me. Wellness was my word for the year.
2019 Energized me. Vitality was my word for the year.

So. There you have it. And how's your life? Lol.

This year has been amazing. It required some serious courage, ambition and dreaming. I hope to resume creative blogging in 2020.

For now, I leave you with some of my art from this past year.  I hope your year was full of blessings and happiness as well.

52 Weeks: Essential Oils

I've added essential oils to my life and I've really been enjoying them.  I can't say that they actually help with my health though, I can't tell.  But I love using them - they smell good and seem to be beneficial to health just because of what they are.

I purchased a box of roller ball bottles with labels from Amazon.  I purchased this oil diffuser.  This is my second one.  My first had a wood look and was beautiful, but it started making a noise when it was running and I had to get another diffuser.  By that time, the wood looking one had gone way up in price and I couldn't afford it.  So I got this one, which is OK.

After googling essential oil recipes, I've mixed some up and am using my roller ball to apply.  I have one mix for headaches, one for energy, one for immunity aid and one for allergies and colds.  I'll make more soon.

I get my oils from Plant Therapy and once in awhile from Young Living.  The quality of your oils really matters and differs between companies.

52 Weeks: Spinal Health, Capital City Chiropractic

 

(Pictured: a device that loosens my spine as I use it each morning)

As we approach the Fall, I want to update my 52 Weeks series a little bit.  Upon the new year, I resolved to try each week to add something beneficial to my life. To get healthier and/or happier. Healing and wholeness, spiritually and physically.

I've been doing it faithfully, I just haven't been blogging about it.

But I'll tell you what -- it's made me become way too busy. There's way too many things I have to do each day now, so some of them I've cut down to just do a few times a week.  Either way, I'm way too busy and one of these weeks, my healthy thing to do will be to drop something, lol.

In this post, I want to say that I've gone to Capital City Chiropractic Maximum Living and they assessed my spine.  I'm receiving a 4 - 5 month regimen to regain my spinal health and improve my posture.

 (Pictured: I wiggle and exercise on this thing to loosen my spine each morning.)

This chiropractor, Dr. Tim Losby swears I'll be able to go off all my meds when he's through with me.  I have doubts....

I have blood cancer and I am on chemo.  I can't imagine my spine will fix blood cancer, but we'll see.

I certainly believe in the 5 Essentials that they preach:

1. Minimize Toxins.
2. Maximized Mind.
3. Maximized Oxygen and Lean Muscle.
4. Maximized Nerve Supply.
5. Maximized Quality Nutrition.

And the 3 Tenements stressed by Maximum Living:

1. WE BELIEVE THAT STORIES MATTER.

2. WE BELIEVE IN BEING ONE STEP AHEAD.

3. WE BELIEVE THAT THE CAUSE IS THE CURE.

Also, Dr. Losby says, "

"GOD HAS GIVEN YOUR BODY THE ABILITY TO HEAL ITSELF, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS REMOVE THE INTERFERANCE"

 Amen, brother!  Let's do this.

Teach Kids About Unanswered Prayer

 

Benji is 5 1/2.  He celebrates two birthdays annually, one for the whole number and one for the half fraction. When he figures out there are multiple fractions, we will be in trouble.

I'm concerned for Benji because he has a lot of worries going on and he's too private or shy to address them. So they simmer. Then they blow. But there is a type that doesn't blow, it simmers and comes to a rolling boil of anxiety we know nothing about. Or so I suspect.

In the past, he has learned that a genuine promise from an adult he trusts still might not come true. I can see him mentally walking a tightrope determining if what I say could possibly fail. And I just want to hug him.

His other grandma, "Gammy" and I were going on a cruise together just over a year ago and Benji was disturbed that Gammy was going to fall overboard, never to return.  We insisted that would not happen, we promised she would return. She didn't fall overboard, but she didn't return, either, due to a fatal car crash. I look back and wonder why he knew she wasn't returning, he was very adamant about her falling overboard. Maybe because she limped. That makes sense. But there's a part of me that thinks he has some spiritual insight and that would explain the extreme worry.

So he's turned 5 1/2 and he has discovered another BIG worry in life.  Not only do adults make promises that can remain unfulfilled, but God Himself can be shaky.  He can decide NOT to give you what you pray for.

Kids assume if you teach them to pray, that God will answer their requests exactly as requested. Isn't it odd that I never thought about this.

He and I prayed the other day and subsequently I mentioned how much fun it will be IF God gives us what we asked for - I think it was that his daddy would come home early. Benji was stunned. He narrowed his eyes at me and said, "But we prayed for it, so God will do it."  Then I saw every failed tenet on playback in his brain.

Now I was the surprised one.  Really?  We never taught him about unanswered prayer?

We then discussed it. Benji was concerned at first, then he saw some benefit of a God who can see the future and not give us what we ask for.

I'm over-thinking our encounter. I fear I have burdened him even more. Look at me -- worrying about his worrying. Join me?

52 Weeks: learn something new every week

I learned a couple of important things today.

1.  I think I've hit the final stage of grief - Acceptance.
     In a 5-year period:

• I was a stay-at-home mom and my grown kids moved out
• I was diagnosed with blood cancer
• My 30-year marriage dissolved
• I was in a car wreck in which a friend of mine died from her injuries, she's also my grandkids' other grandma
• My father was diagnosed with cancer, had a tumor removed and radiation and is still fighting it, now with a chemo protocol.

My life has changed completely, very little of my old life remains visible.  All these losses have left me alone most of the time.  It's been an extraordinary experience.  I'm grateful for all the blessings I have - the kids are married and happy and successful, they live close and I see my grandkids a lot, I remain on the family property and while I struggle to pay bills like everyone else, I'm not devastated financially, my cancer has a fairly long shelf-life... probably, my dad is doing OK and is in his mid-seventies and has my mom there to help him.

Today, when the poet Derek Berry from Charleston wrote me a poem on a 72-degree sunny, beautiful day on the spring grass under a blooming dogwood tree in front of the statehouse Sherman and his troops bombarded, but did not destroy from his position in West Columbia across the frothy Congaree on his March to the Sea...... you get the picture? ... when said poet wrote this and I was able to smile instead of cry:

Well, I figured I finally hit Stage 7 of grief, the final stage.

2. (The Second Thing I Learned Today {in case you forgot where we were with this})  When I go out to photograph the wildlife in my woods, I need to lock Bogie, my cat, in the garage.  While I smiled at his frolicking after birds, I never dreamed he could really catch one.  With my 300 zoom lens to my eye and the staccato sound of the Canon shutter speed in my ear, Bogie caught the brilliantly red cardinal I was photographing, caught two in one bite, in fact.

Yes, I photographed the whole demise.  With a scrunched nose. And audible reprimands to the cat.  It was fascinating, really.  But in the future?  Boag stays in the garage.

What did you learn today?

CDC Vaccination Schedule is too Aggressive, Needs More Studies

The synergistic effect of the CDC's aggressive vaccine schedule HAS to be studied for safety. It's catastrophically unchecked & I dare say negligent. Our kids are in peril. #soangry

Before 1991, there were only 29 doses of 3 vaccines. After 1991, there were 46 doses of 16 Vaccines.  My children born before 91 had no issues and my child born after 91 had a mysterious allergy the Dr attributed to dust and eczema.   Since the late eighties, vaccine manufacturers cannot be sued.  But in 2008 the Vaccine injury compensation program was developed.  It has since then paid out 3 billion dollars.  Look up the Hannah Polen case.

Are we really going to wait until the autism rate is one in two?   Or that every single child has a chronic illness by age 3? (Food allergies,  Eczema, seizure disorders, GI issues and learning disabilities)

This is one problem.  The second problem is the escalating rate of cancer among adults.   I believe the studies are being suppressed here as well so that we can continue to have cell phones, WiFi,  dirty electricity, gmos, plastics and a variety of toxins literally everywhere.

I am at a loss on how I can make a difference.

If you would like to learn more, I point you to Miller's Critical Review of Vaccine Studies and The Vaccine Friendly Plan.

New Year's Resolutions

 We had a lot of fun New Year's Eve and don't we look tough in this picture?

I devoted last year to wellness and trying homeopathic and integrated options.  Some things I have kept in my life on a regular basis (dandelion root tea, gall bladder wrap, essential oils, etc), some things I have discarded (turmeric tea, yoga).   I had every intention of writing more about it for you but I did not feel like blogging.

.

 This year, I have decided my focus will be relationships.  Won't that be interesting?  Infusing my relationships with intention.

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I have added a new and very interesting client and I'm changing my role with another client. One I expect to be fun while the other will be a challenge and, I anticipate, not much enjoyable. It is not the direction I wanted to go with my work and probably will not like it.  But… one should always try.  I might be surprised.

Popinjay: Famish

'fam - ish

- to suffer for lack of something necessary

Jesus Lives and Gives Peace, Connection to God

"Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene went to the tomb early, while it was still dark, and saw that the stone had been taken away from the tomb...."

"... now when He rose early on the first day of the week, He appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven demons."

"....She turned around and saw Jesus standing there, and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, 'Woman why are you weeping? Who are you seeking?'

She, supposing him to be the gardener, said to him, 'Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him and I will take him away.'

Jesus said to her, 'Mary!'

She turned and said to him, 'Rabboni,' which is to say, Teacher."

A lot of people in a variety of locations saw & spoke with Jesus after his death, burial and Resurrection.  His spirit is alive and vibrant in me, although I have never seen Him.

The Bible promises that we will, again, be mocked and persecuted for our faith in Christ.  It has begun here in America and really scares me for our future, especially that of my kids and grandkids.  But the peace that passes all understanding is comfort.

As I age, and as I come to know & experience Jesus more, I regret the years I wasted not witnessing, not telling others about Him.

"And if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home."  - Rich Mullins lyrics

Popinjay: Betrayal

Betrayal

be - 'tra (-e)l \ noun

Betrayal's root is betray, which comes from the Middle English word bitrayen — meaning "mislead, deceive." Betrayal has to do with destroying someone's trust, possibly by lying.
Synonyms:  perfidy, treachery, treason, knavery, subversiveness.

Perfidy

'per - fe - de \ noun

The noun perfidy means "deceitfulness" or "treachery," so it's not just being mean, but deliberately betraying a trust. The Latin root of perfidy is made up of per, or "through," and fidem, or "faith." So in order for perfidy to happen, there has to have first been a sense of faith in place, which was then broken or betrayed.

Mariah Carey New Year's Eve Fail Exemplifies 2016

Mariah Carey's epic fail  (in which she lost her earpiece, couldn't hear the music, was trying to lipsync, walked around in a daze, whined about not having her own holiday, etc.) at the 2016 Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve party in NYC was to be expected, it perfectly closed out 2016 with the cliche' she graciously tweeted that best represents 2016:

We all agree:  2016 was HORRIBLE.

The saving grace of 2016, for me, was the birth of another grandchild and addition of another son-in-law.  Those two redeeming factors save 2016 for me.  I hope you have a few redeeming factors of your own.

But as we move into 2017, I remind you that changes begin with you.  With me.  Each of us have to change something to make our lives better.

Join me is making some shifts in your personal life, your spiritual life and your civic life this year.  Stick an F in Mariah's ubiquitous phrase and run with it:

  Shift Happens.

We have 52 weeks ahead of us.  Join me for the next 52 weeks by creating a positive, healthy shift in your behavior each week.  Keep it private or share it with the hashtag

 #52Weeks.

My first change for week one is to start yoga.  I've spent two horrible years on the couch crocheting and crying.  I've lost almost everything.  I was a stay-at-home mom and housewife.  My kids grew up and moved out, followed by my husband.  We sold the house in which they were raised.  I'm about to lose one of my part-time jobs.  I'm 52 with little education, little experience and a chronic terminal illness.  I'm discovering most people don't want to hire me.  Yoga seems like a great place to start -- stretch, open up and strengthen my core.  My second week, I will add releasing bitterness and my third week I will revive love and forgiveness.  Beyond that, we'll see what enfolds.

Join me, please.   Because errrbody else has left me, ha!  NO, JK, simmer down, JK!! (there's that bitterness!)....  of course not, join me because you deserve it, we deserve it and America will change if each one of us makes a few shifts, baby!  (like.... 52 shifts)

Who loves you?!!
#52Weeks

Symbolism in Coat of Arms

A little late, but as promised, here is an explanation of the symbolism in my new coat of arms.  Again, a photo:

Motto:  Faith and Fortitude

Crest:  Tree Stump - a symbol of worship and rebirth.  I have a Cypress tree (death and eternal life) and a Palm tree (righteousness and resurrection) growing out of my tree stump to signify regrowth.

Torse:  Azure in color to represent steadfastness, strength and truth.  It is securing the Bible in place.

Helm:  The Word of God, secured with the Torse.  An open book like mine signifies manifestation and learning.

Shield:  The shape of my shield is the Old World style and the V in it stands for military strength or fortitude....

Mid-Life Change Requires a New Coat of Arms

Life is fairly predictable.

When we first become adults, we think we are quite special and quite unique.  We hear the clichés about life and think:  That's not going to be me/us.  We are tremendously different.

As young adults, my husband and I were crazy with love.  (I have a box full of thirty-year-old poems and love notes to prove it)  We never thought we would do anything typical or cliché.  I would certainly never experience menopausal madness and cruelty.  He would certainly never experience a mid-life crisis and start acting like a twenty year old when he is fifty years old.  The kids were absolutely never going to grow up.  I'd be waking up for midnight feedings forever.  And of course, they would never move away or marry, they would be mine forever.....

Before I Die: A TED Talk

Something to think about....

March for Babies In Memory of Braden

 

March of Dimes'

March for Babies

USC for Babies
November 17, 2013

I have found myself surprised and saddened to realize how little I empathize with the difficult times of others until I, myself, go through such an experience.

So it was when I lost a grandchild upon his premature birth.   I really had no idea how many babies we lose each year or how much young moms and dads suffer for this.

And now that I know, I want to prevent it, learn from it, and help others.  

My third grandchild, Braden, was born premature and was not able to survive. We held him for just a short time and will remember him forever.

I hope to raise money and awareness for the need to strive to save more lives through research and experience. In the meantime, we need to support the babies born too soon, and their families, as we try to save their lives.

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. I'm walking in March for Babies because I want to do something about this. And I need your help.

Please support my walk. Making a secure donation is easy: just click My Page and click the Donate Now button to make an online donation. Thank you for helping me give all babies a healthy start!

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Visit My Page to learn more or to make a donation.

Bobby Graves Fulfills His Calling . . . Four Decades Late

Sitting tall in the Captain’s chair in the wheelhouse of a beautiful 60’ trawler, navigating nowhere with the boat up on the rails for yearly maintenance, Bobby Graves (“Cap’n. Bobby") began describing the dream of his 12-year old self.  And it didn’t include fishing.

I thought Bobby was going to relate a life-long dream to fish commercially, so I was surprised with his story.

"When I was 12 years old," he said, “I had a vision of Christ beside me on the couch.  He reached out, touched me and said ‘I want you to be my messenger.’”  Then Bobby nodded at me with a smile and continued, “Truth is, we are all supposed to be His messengers.”

And that’s how Bobby Graves’ stories always lead his listeners to the cross.  Everything he talks about becomes a spiritual lesson.  He sails under the Christian flag so even if he kept his mouth shut (as if!), you would still get the picture.....