Sunday, December 5

R.I.P. Minivan

We recently rented a Minivan, piled "the kids" in like the old days and took a road trip to NJ/NYC. A few hours into the drive, I snapped this photo. With my eyes on the road, it sounded like old times, so familiar - kids singing, dancing, having fun -- but when I turned around, I was shocked to see they were all grown up.
We got our first minivan the day Marj was born. As I signed for the van, the salesman said, "So when are you due?" I grunted, "Ten days ago." He went pale and rushed the paperwork. That night I went into labor. Pam Hilbish was on standby to keep our kids when I went into labor, so we took them over in the new minivan in the middle of the night. She wanted a tour of the new minivan.
When Patti turned 16 and got her license, we generously gave her our third minivan and I got a spanky new red Mazda 6 (zoom, zoom). She took off with a smile and never looked back. She added a sporty steering wheel cover and sickeningly cheery bumper stickers like "4U2NV" and "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in Heaven" and "(Caution) Stunt Driver." In an extremely out-of-character moment, Patti bought flashing neon lights and glued them all over the inside of the minivan.
Tommy next inherited the blue minivan and he added exciting silver racing stripes to the hood. The new license plate the state issued just happened to be 822-TMY, which was kind of cool. Tommy lived in the minivan and acquired a van roommate (Will) along the way, so the van was full of interesting, sometimes smelly things. One day his sister begged him to empty it out because she was missing her purse. Marj took the following inventory of junk in the van and I scrapbooked it:

Some of the items she found in the van include:
  • someone else's church clothes
  • a piece of the van
  • fishing poles
  • skateboard ramp
  • paintball guns and balls
  • golf clubs and shoes
  • tackle box
  • 3 helmets
  • piece of pizza
  • 2 masks
  • a worm
  • many empty gatorades
  • cleats
  • 2 basketballs
Sadly, the minivan finally did die. And less than a mile from our house, too, poor thing, couldn't make it up the hill. So of course I had to document it and scrap it, too. Tommy had just started his rap career and in a tender moment of melancholy wrote up a song called RIP Minivan, featuring Will Rutland. I still sometimes play that song in my Mazda 6 (zoom, zoom) and it usually brings me to tears. Sort of.
RIP Minivan lyrics (my comments in italics):
Ay, it's your boy, Tommy, know what I'm sayin'
I be ridin' in them mini vans, baby.
Big Will Rutland up in here
And we riding in them minivans, baby, them hogs.
Ay, tell 'em what we do...
I pull up to the house in the minivan
Even tho it smells like a skunk
Audio cassette, cd adapter,
A big 40 in the trunk. (a wooden 4' number 40 from my 40th birthday party)
I'm crawlin' on 13s
My wheels squeak
My rims shimmy like a chimney sweep.
I laid out my whole deck, man, read 'em and weep.
So I got some loud speakers
What 'cha think of that, boy? (the po-po thought about $150 for breaking the noise ordinance)
Got my flower on the back so you know this is my toy. (Patti's hippie daisy sticker)
You can bump this in your minivan
Your minivan
You can bump this in your minivan
Your minivan, boy.
Yo, Will R, up in here, ridin' in the passenger seat
Me n Tommy with these new instrumental beats
We try to be flowin', if you know what I'm sayin',
The seats don't recline so we can't be layin'
The thing goes 95 with our three hubcaps
One missin' while we dissin' N I know ya'll love that.
Got scratches on the van, but we don't care
The roof's so low, dog, that we got static-y hair. (fabric hanging loose, rubbing hair)
We don't have AC, so we can't get cool,
To fix this minivan, we'll need hundreds of tools.
......don't even mention my flower
For it signals more power!....
...Ain't no dash for my cd's between the seats
Some Gatorade bottles that are tossin' around my feet
I got the wiper fluid sprayin' the people behind me
They try to pass, but they can't, I point at the double lines.
See I'm on two twos, I'm talkin' two hubcaps
Got the antenna holdin' up with bubble wrap.
... You might see me pulled over with the hood up, engine ablaze,
Tire's a sittin' low on the left side so I'm
Sittin' sideways... always in a daze.


Mom said...

Those were the days my friend I thought they'd never end..........da da da da, you had some trusty old Vans early on, I remember the trusty blue one that took me to the hospital quite rapidly after wrecking your motorcycle, what a ride!

Anonymous said...

Vans R Awesome,I must say!!!

I hope mine stays that way.

The only thing that it has in it right now tho is: Bzers cologne

Do u think he might b tryin to impress the women?